Unlimited

I was going to leave.

I was waiting for my friend to come get me.

I heard tires pull up outside,

I thought it was her.

I grabbed my purse,

Told my mom goodbye,

Heard the knock on the door,

I was ready for the night.

I opened it to a CHP,

And answered yes, I knew Julie.

Why? What happened? Is she okay?

All he said was that he needed to talk to Julie’s mom,

Julie said she was here.

She was alive,

But needed us to be near.

Her mom cried, when she heard the news,

I stood there watching, I stood there confused.

Wait, where’s Julie?

I hear myself ask,

In the back of an ambulance with a breathing mask.

I feel my hands tremble,

My voice shakes,

As I ask if she will be okay.

Come on, let’s go, my mother says,

We need to get there before.. Before she’s dead.

Dead? the word echoes, it echoes in my mind.

Dead? I can’t believe, it’s not her time.

I’d had a dream about a funeral,

But I didn’t think this one would come true,

Now I have to go to a hospital

And pray that maybe Julie will be okay.

Sitting in waiting room,

I think of all the memories,

All the times I ever spent with Julie.

How I should’ve went with her back to her house,

How I could’ve just loaned her my blouse.

But she was stubborn, typical Julie, if you knew her,

Had to go back, now it’s stickin to her.

If I had just stopped her,

I mean, I sort of knew she drank,

But they say it’s not her fault,

Another girl had drank, too,

And ran right into her,

Ran her right into a ditch,

Lucky the police drove by when he did.

The doctor came out, said she wanted to see me.

Somehow I got up, trust me, it wasn’t easy.

I made it to her side,

And she told me not to cry.

Hey, she whispered—

It looked like she’s in so much pain—

Thank you for being more than my friend,

For being my sister,

All these years, they’ve been great with you.

Take care of my mom, my dad’s gonna need help,

I know you can do it.

In that moment I hated alcohol more than anything in the world,

As I smiled and hugged Julie for the last time.

As the moniters stopped beeping,

As the nurses came and I started screaming,

Pushed out of the way, like a crumpled toy,

The news had killed me too,

Just like alcohol had killed Jules.

It had been a long time

Since I had felt this way.

I remembered the last time,

All the words I would never say.

I figured I’d try a different way to control my life.

Ironic that vodka was my choice tonight.

I had different ways I knew weren’t good,

But tonight I hadn’t starved myself of food,

I hadn’t tried to go back to the blade;

Today I drank some hate, and that was the worst decision of my life.

I’d never meant to hurt anyone,

Except maybe me,

But I never wanted to hurt anyone, oh God, please.

How could I have done this, this awful thing?

I never meant to hurt anyone, oh God can’t you see?

I got into the car,

I figured I could clear my head,

I ran through a yellow light that was really red.

I thought to myself that maybe tonight,

Maybe tonight I could be all right.

I didn’t realize I had the pedal near the floor,

I didn’t realize until I saw a blue door,

Big round eyes staring back at me,

I didn’t realize untill too late

The monster that alcohol had made me.

I got out in a blur,

A whirlwind of pain,

A felt constriction on my heart like a chain.

I already knew, was sober enough to tell,

That because of my hurt, I had lead myself to hell.

I was crying, I know, as the paramedics checked me out,

I was crying as I heard people shout,

I’m a good girl! I thought— no, I screamed— in my head.

Please, please don’t tell me that girl is dead.

She looked my age, maybe a little younger still,

God, forgive me, I deserve to go to hell.

I hate myself, I hate myself for doing this,

They just pronounced that that girl is dead.

She was picking up her brother,

He saw the whole thing,

The weight of his brokenness

Has crushed me.

They put me in the back of a cop car

And I cried.

Well, I was feeling like I should die.

Take me, take me, take me instead!

How can that poor girl really be dead?

NO! I scream, NO, no, take me!

God give her life back,

Oh, God please!

I would mind taking her place, I think,

I’ll always hate who I am,

And what happens when I drink.

There aren’t any garantees in this life,

I found that out today,

When I watched my friends die.

I heard two of my friends crying,

One had been one’s sister, the other the love of her life.

I watched one of my friends—someone I’ve known since first grade— get a DUI,

One of my other friends was paralyzed.

I felt a lump rise in my throat,

I could only hear the strange words I didn’t know,

Then saw things I didn’t want to see,

Like the jaws of life working to set them free.

The glass shattered, blood splattered, I wanted to throw up,

I wanted to run away,

But, with my feet rooted to the ground,

I knew I had to stay.

How could I leave them,

How could I walk away,

When these people I know,

Will never be the same.

They say it is an accident,

I hear them explain a death,

But accident?

I don’t know about that.

A tear runs down my cheek.

What if it had been me?

Or one of my sisters?

Someone from my family?

But it had been them,

Smart people, good friends.

I may not always talk to them,

But I never wanted to see their end.

How could this happen?

It’s easy to be mad.

To think we are invincible,

Well think of all they had.

They were people with dreams,

With aspirations, issues, too,

How could you not take this seriously,

How could you?

Don’t you see the pain they feel?

Don’t you know how real it feels?

Can’t you put yourself in their shoes?

If it were you, what would you do?

I watch the paramedics take my friend away,

Jay Chapel comes, and carries another away,

A helicopter lands, and takes off again,

All these things transport my friends.

Those who are left behind,

No we cannot believe,

How quickly these things happen, how quickly it seemed.

Just one moment ago,

We were texting and planning to meet,

But now we choke on words knowing, some of them we’ll never get to see again.

They say this is an accident,

Well I don’t know about that.

All I know is that in this moment,

I am praying that,

These families are going to have to see,

Can survive their little ones turned into the dead, and sadly,

Have to bury or deal

With pain they should never have to feel,

No, it never seems real,

Until it happens to you.

I wasn’t partying,

I was going home;

It was late, and I didn’t know,

How tired my friend was,

I had offered to drive,

But it hadn’t mattered,

A few more seconds could have saved my life.

We drove back from Fresno,

We almost made it back,

When I had the strangest feeling, like an anxiety attack.

I said that I felt worried;

Something was wrong,

So my friend turned up the radio,

And we sang to the song.

We laughed and went over, the events of the night,

If i had stayed home, it could have saved my life.

I had to yawn, i was so tired, I couldn’t wait to get home,

But little did I know, that was somewhere I’d never go, again.

When I turned, I saw the headlights, and knew,

That tonight was the last thing I’d ever do.

I heard the sreeching tires, my friend didn’t know,

Until she heard the metal—

This was not like a show, a movie, something you see on tv,

I never thought it’d happen, but it was happening to me.

I’d had my seatbelt on,

But my friend, she didn’t.

I watched as she was ejected.

I thought I would cry, but I sat there in horror.

My legs were smashed, my breath getting shorter.

I remember thinking how hard it would be,

If I never got to see my family.

I thought about soccer, how I’d never get to play,

Because this, I knew, would be my last day.

The sirens came, what seemed like ages later.

Parametics said it was a drunk driver.

He was walking, laughing, saying it wasn’t true.

I cried and wanted to shout, what is the matter with you?!

He was standing there, alive, while my friend was dead,

While the parametics came over, and sadly shook their head.

I knew this was it, so I asked God to forgive,

Forgive that man for what he did.

I know he hadn’t meant to,

And although I was mad,

I couldn’t imagine the weight that this man

Would have to carry, for the rest of his life;

He had traded some beers, for two young girls’ lives.

I wondered if he had a family, some amazing sisters like me,

Some proud parents, that would have to see,

Their son go to jail, for taking our lives,

Just for drinking and driving tonight.

I heard someone whisper,

Hey, I know this girl, hey, is she smiling?

God I gotta hurl.

I’ve never seen anyone look so bad,

I can’t believe this, this is so bad.

I remember thinking, if only I had stayed,

All three our lives, all three could have been saved.

I wasn’t partying,

I just wanted to go home,

I never drank and drove,

Didn’t that man know?

I became a statistic, the moment he got in the car,

Every fifteen minutes, someone dies, from an alcohol related “accident”

And I had, not by far,

Missed the opportunity, to still be alive,

So please, don’t you ever, drink and drive.

You hear the door close,

A soft click as it shuts,

A gentle stirring of dust

As the hot summer air sticks in your chest.

What is it just beyond the door,

Just beyond your grasp,

What is waiting for you,

Asking for more;

What are you in for?

The crisp white painted window sill

Stares blankly at you in a form of goodbye

Like it knows where you’re heading

Before you even bat an eye.

Who told you it would be easy?

Is sailing a ship alone not a great feat?

The dusk is calling out your name now,

Will you rise to the occasion,

Will you challenge the sea?

Don’t you know how great the ocean is,

How emmense the mountains are,

Have you traveled the expanse of the desert,

And trudged through the jungle?

Life is not a far way off now,

If you just understood,

That dreaming from inside the tight enclosure,

From behind the rickety door

And the soft white curtains gently caressing the white window sill

That your movement foward

Is what is waiting for you still.

Who am I that I let myself believe

That I can’t do it all,

That I can succeed

At failing, at life, at memories and dreams,

I’m afraid of my laughter, afraid of my dreams

And ashes are memories dead and gone,

Tears and fear are what made me strong,

I am not an average girl,

I will not relent,

At rising above what life has sent

To tear me down,

No I will not give in,

I will help the hand that love that’s sent

Through smiles and conversations on the battlefield

Where we’re all together,

All fighting for one same goal

To show that when the world crashes

Our hearts of gold

Can stand up and stand firm

And never give in

To the ways of this world and the past of killing

Killing off the lonely, the unloved, the unknown,

When one million die, no one knows

So who am I

To believe that I stand alone

Who am I to believe in what I am told

By the media and the press who are bought and bribed

Who am I to believe all the half truths and lies

What is this world that we have come to realize

What is this world before our very eyes?

Who am I?

I wonder, but I already know,

I have a light, I hold something special,

Because I am alive, because I have fear,

All the evil moments I will interfere,

I am a messenger,

A holder of the Light,

I will hold your hand and together we will fight.

I am a fighter.

I am a lover.

I am a believer of what I can’t see.

I will not believe the lies the world says to me.

In my heart I know this to be true:

I am a child of God, loved forever,

And so are you.

One moment sets you over the edge again, A place you haven’t been in a long time, Pushes you over the mountain top you struggled so hard to climb up, Sets off the avalanche that rocks your world and buries you under, You wish it was all just a dream, But it’s a nightmare of reality, The blurred lines between a nightmare and your life, Who can save you now, In your darkest hour, In your most vulnerable moment, Who will care? Who will see you and have mercy on you, compassion for you, When all you have left is pieces of a once whole heart? A Savior, Who sacrificed everything, Willingly accepted and embraced a life of hardships and a a cruel, gruesome death, In place of you, In love for you, In the Spirit that wants to lift you up; finding peace is as simple as looking at history, And seeing a man, On a cross, And His name, the peace and love you search for, is named Jesus.

I keep running circles Trying to keep up with you, And your words that sting, That pierce me, Right in my heart.

Got me out out of breath, Trying to breathe again, You’ve taken all I had left, And then there was none.

.Can you feel it, Can you feel this, You’ve got my heart beating in your hands, Youre killing me slowly, You, with only, the silence you portray

Thought this was funny, But oh, honey, this is not just a game any longer. You’re controlling the moment, While the sand slows down And the sun sets before me, You’ve made me lonely, And then, then all is gone.

I’ve got nothing left but broken dreams A broken heart, ripped seams I’ve got nothing but you still have me Every single bit of my heart Is in your hands.

Now we’re not talking, but I still miss you Everything we did, everything you put me through Returning to each moment, only to relive it in my head You’re so much sweeter in my dreams, It’s so much easier to pretend But you’ve still got me running A thousand miles for you Still got me wishing, Despite all we’ve been through The sorry part is, I still love you

Can you feel it, Can you feel this, You’ve got my heart beating in your hands, Youre killing me slowly, You, with only, the silence you portray

Got me out out of breath, Trying to breathe again, You’ve taken all I had left, And then there was none.

I have been enjoying my AP Lit class, where I am not allowed to use “to be” verbs and I have to analyze everything. Fortunately for me, although it also proves unfortunate, is that I analyze everything. I dive right in the deep end; I plunge right in, and although it helps in my pages of essays, sometimes I wish I could ignore life; ignorance is bliss. It’s funny watching myself grow up, almost as if I’m watching from the outside and peering in. I struggled with it for awhile, and in the process I think I lost one of the best friends I’ve ever made. I don’t have regrets, I just wish I still had that friend to rely on, I wish that when I’d call she’d know by the sound of my voice that I need someone, I just wish that it isn’t a one way street sort of deal. All I really want is that source of solace again, but I recognize that I’ll never have that place to land again. Oddly enough, I don’t get as sad anymore, it’s almost better not seeing the person, however much you want to. I am forced to draw the line in the sand and make myself forgive in order to heal. Lengthy, yes, but worth while. One day, I’ll be stable on my own. Honestly, I had no point, other than to vent, although it seems I didn’t vent, for that implies a negative connotation, and I don’t really feel negative. I’m just making sure my feet are set up for the correct boxing stance because Life and I have some settling to do.